Television Wars...Episode II...Escalation

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Hello readers. I hope you all enjoyed last week's post on my dad and dealing with the bank...it was a good laugh and definitely high up there in terms of crazy and ridiculous things my dad has done. Well, that brings me to the topic of this week's post, the continuation of Television Wars, and seeing just how nuts my parents can get when faced with a particularly prickly situation. So where did we leave off last time? Oh right, my parents thought they could get us to stop watching the Simpsons by running around the house changing the time on all the clocks. Well the solution was short-lived, and was about as effective in dealing with our television addiction as trying to plug a crack in a dyke with your finger...there were bigger issues to address here. My parents knew that they could not watch my brother and I every minute of the day, and the second they took their eyes off of us, we would be watching TV...doesn't really matter what was on...it could've been infomercials on exercise equipment (I've actually watched those as a kid) for all we cared...we just liked watching television. Seeing as the television wars were just starting to heat up, and my parents were dealing with an unconventional enemy that could not be reasoned with, they decided to fight fire with fire and escalate the level of crazy. Thus I give you "Television Wars...Episode II...Escalation". 

Before I go any further in this story, please rest assured that what you are about to read is 100% accurate and requires no embellishment (although most people think I am making this up upon first hearing it). So now that everybody has been sufficiently warned, and if you have read this far, you are probably wondering what on earth my dad could've thought up to escalate this little conflict: well, I will tell you. My dad actually reverse-engineered his problem to come up with a solution. Allow me to explain: 

Problem: an inability to keep children from turning on television 
Variables: television addicted children 
Desired outcome: keep children from watching too much television 

The problem in obtaining your desired outcome is that you cannot control the variables which are proving quite uncontrollable, in this case the children which you cannot stop from turning on the television. So, my dad being the unconventional thinker that he was, decided to rethink this little problem as follows: 

Problem: an inability to keep children from turning on television 
Variables: television being turned on 
Desired outcome: keep television from being turned on by children 

You see what he did? It’s subtle but effective. He thought that if he could not keep us from turning on the television, he would simply keep the television from being turned on. But you're probably thinking to yourself "Daniel that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. How would you do that?" How indeed?! And therein lies the genius of his ridiculous solution, and the bane of my childhood experience. My dad decided to build something that I would later describe as a medieval torture device (no, no, I'm just kidding...nobody was tortured, at least not physically...but I did hate that thing): I guess it can only be described as a locking box in which you would place the television's electrical plug, thus denying the television the ability to turn on, and more importantly keeping my brother and I from watching it. See, I know you don't believe me, so I've provided a little photographic proof, and believe me, this thing is all too real.  

Old "Snappy" getting ready for action

Snappy doing what he does best

Locked and loaded and ready to crush spirits!

Two pieces of scrap wood, two hinges, eight screws, two eye loop screws, one lock, and about an hour's worth of work were all it took to build this little monster and escalate the television wars to a whole new level of crazy. It's gone by many names over the years, but here are some of my favorites: 'Snappy', 'The box', 'The thing', 'The spirit crusher'...okay, I made that last one up, but that is what it felt like. It was a very defeating feeling to see that thing placed on the television plug and not be able to watch your 'good  friend'. My parents watched with glee as the balance of power shifted back in their favor and they regained the initiative. They watched us shake that thing for hours like a bunch of monkeys trying to open a coconut, trying to find some sort of weakness, a flaw that we could exploit, and thought to themselves, "check-mate and goodnight...this game is over...we just went nuclear!" Well, we were pretty defeated for a while, and for a moment there, it looked like my parents had won; but I'll tell you one thing, like our parents, my brother and I are not quitters, and when faced with this completely ridiculous and unconventional problem, we dug in our heels, put our heads together and decided to come up with solutions to get around this thing. Little did we know that this little act of escalation in the television wars was but the first chapter in an adventure that would span over a decade, and provide us with countless laughs and stories to tell, that in the end, it was probably more entertaining than anything that could have been on TV at the time.  

I've actually decided to keep the television box as a little souvenir but also as a source of inspiration:  sometimes the most insurmountable problems in life have the simplest and most ridiculous solutions. Besides, it makes for a really great conversation starter and people usually don't believe me until I show it to them.  

If you like to read my blog, please be sure to follow me on twitter, @Daniel_Galve    
You can also subscribe for regular updates through my blog, or sign up for the RSS feed.  
Don't forget to also check out some of my past blog posts for more great stories on my dad's ridiculous adventures.  

Be sure to read look out for next week's post, "Television Wars...Episode III...The children strike back", as my brother and I set our minds to trying to break the puzzle of "The box" and best our parents.  

Stay tuned for more.   

Daniel    

Valentine's Day lessons and upcoming attractions

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Hello readers. I thought I would give you all a little update about what has been going with in my life lately. It's been a pretty action-packed week as I tried to study for my mid-term and prepare for Valentine's Day. Well I think the midterm went well, but I unfortunately cannot say the same for my Valentine's Day. For those of you who have been following my facebook and twitter updates, you will know that I am in a little ongoing saga with a certain flower delivery company. Well, long story short, they made it right, but unfortunately the damage was done, and a certain special someone in my life did not get flowers delivered to their office on Valentine's Day. But there is a little silver lining to this whole story: the sound advice of Professors T and G, helped me gain satisfaction in this matter. You see sometimes, simply calling customer service to complain does not work, and you have to get a little creative in your thinking, much like my dad in next week's post. What I had to do in this case was employ a very aggressive social media campaign to make the floral company understand that what they had done was unacceptable and that I wanted to be compensated. 


In the end, I got two things out of this little adventure: firstly I got a lovely compensation bouquet and gift card, both free of charge, and secondly, the inspiration for next week's post, "My dad on dealing with the bank's customer service, and his views on the financial crisis". Believe me, even if you think you have my dad figured out, this upcoming story will change all that. If you thought you were good with customer service agents, this will make you look like an amateur. Trust me, I didn't even believe it until I saw the proof.


So there you have it, a little teaser about next week's post and a look into my personal life. For those of you who are wondering about my series on "Television Wars", don't worry, "Episode II, Escalation" is in the works and should be posted soon. 

If you like to read my blog, please be sure to follow me on twitter, @Daniel_Galve  

You can also subscribe for regular updates through my blog, or sign up for the RSS feed.

Stay tuned for more. 

Daniel  

Television Wars...Episode I...First Blood is drawn

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Hello readers. It's been a pretty busy week for me: I've been trying to balance a number of school, work and personal projects, all the while trying to find the time to write my blog posts. Fortunately, my mom and dad are a constant source of inspiration and I never really have to worry about what to write. This week's post is one that promises to be particularly entertaining, as everyone who hears this story thinks it is the most ridiculous/hilarious thing they have ever heard. Considering this tale takes place over several years, and is too long to tell in one sitting, I thought I would break it down into a series entitled "Television Wars".  So without further ado, I give you "Television Wars...Episode I...First Blood is drawn": so raise your seat backs, stow your folding tables, buckle your seats belt, and get ready for a ride on the crazy express that has been my childhood experience.  

The inspiration for this little trip down memory lane came to me last weekend as I was trying to sleep-in and as my dad was trying to ruin my weekend: you see my dad has the very unpleasant habit of calling me when I am half asleep, and then proceed to berate me because I don't answer the phone properly (quite ironic when you consider he did not even say hello and just proceeded to verbally abuse me). As I was saying, the reason for this particular phone call was that he wanted me to record a documentary for him on my PVR (personal video recorder) that coming Sunday night. Well, being as quick witted as possible, given the lack of sleep and absence of caffeine in my system, I managed to formulate the following response, "why?". Naturally his response was just as clever, "because I want to watch it genius!". Okay, now there is too much going on for my brain to process, and I decide that I will not be getting back to bed. I then proceed to tell my dad that he has a television at home, and being semi-retired, he now has the freedom to watch television whenever he wants. And that's when it hits me! I had my inspiration...the freedom to watch television when you wanted (it will all make sense later). He then went on a long-winded tirade about my education, and how my mom always undermines him...to tell you the truth, I was not really listening, as I was busy taking notes for this week's post on the epic television wars of my youth. You see, some people say that conflict defines society: it demands technological development, and requires thinkers to develop new tactics and strategies. Well I don't know how useful armed conflict is to society, but I do know that this ridiculous little conflict sure got out of hand quickly and taught my brother and I a thing or two about how to overcome insurmountable obstacles in life.  

So here's a little background information about my brother and I: we love television...a lot! It doesn't matter what's on TV, we just feel the need to watch it. It's not that we have addictive personalities, it's just that we think television is the greatest thing in the world. Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, we used to watch a lot of television as kids: so much so that my mom and dad had to begin thinking of ways to keep us from watching it. Well for every television-blocking effort my parent enabled, my brother and I thought up of an effective counter-measure. Thus begins the tale of Television Wars.

You see, simply telling us that we could not watch television was not a suitable solution: we just wouldn’t listen. Our favorite tactic was the lookout: we would take turns watching TV, whilst the other served as lookout...crude, but effective. So, conventional discipline really did not work with us, and I don't think my parents had the patience to be watching a bunch of troublemaking children every second of every day. They say that necessity is the mother of all innovation, and in this case, my parents had a big need to keep us from watching television, and their solution was quite innovative (parents take note here). It was the late 80's, and my brother and I were absolutely addicted to watching the Simpsons (now that I think about it, not the best thing to be watching at such a young age...but anyways). My mom and dad hated the Simpsons...and when I say hate...I mean really hate. They thought it was a terrible influence...and you know what? It probably was. So as I was saying, just telling us that we could not watch, was not sufficient, and so my parents would have to start thinking creatively here. Remember how creative my dad got when it came to resolving a dispute withhis neighbor? Well that should serve as a little indicator of what came next on the crazy scale.  

Dad: We can't keep them from watching the Simpsons...they won't listen. 

Mom: So what do we do? 

Dad: Well we can't take the show off the air...and they always know when it's on. 

Mom: What if we make sure they never know when it's on?

Dad: How so?

Mom: You'll see.

What happened next is nothing short of genius. My parents had the brilliant/stupidly simple idea (remember the necessity to innovation relationship?) of running around the house changing all the clocks, and making them an hour slow every week before the Simpsons. Now because we knew the Simpsons were always on at eight o'clock, sure enough, we would look at the kitchen clock and run over to the TV to watch our show. The problem was that it was actually nine o'clock, and we had missed our show. Not understanding why, we would look in the TV listings trying to figure it out. My parents, looking quite satisfied with themselves, would just look at us and say "Sorry, I guess they cancelled it". Yeah right! We didn't believe that for a second, but we just couldn't understand what was happening, or how they had managed to outsmart us. My dad would then try to attribute the radical shifts in the duration of days to daylight-savings time which occurred once a week, not twice a year. I guess it made sense to a six year old, but something was still not right here. 

Well my brother and I eventually caught on to their little ploy when they accidentally missed one clock in the house, and the whole time-paradox/daylight-savings time scheme fell apart. My brother and I learnt a valuable lesson that day: we quickly learnt how to read time on a standard clock, and we both made sure we always wore a watch. Needless to say, the first shots in the television wars had been fired, a conflict that would span ten years, and teach me skills as diverse as picking a lock, using extremely large power tools, and concealing a television in a closet. In this war of attrition that would pit parents against children, there was no looking back, and surrender was not an option. First blood had been drawn, and this thing was about to get out of hand...way out of hand...because all my parents could do was escalate to some new ridiculous extreme, and all we could do was respond in kind.  

So, buckle up...it's about to get all sorts of crazy around here as we move into the escalation phase of Television Wars, and my parents go nuclear. 

If you like to read my blog, please be sure to follow me on twitter, @Daniel_Galve  

You can also subscribe for regular updates through my blog, or sign up for the RSS feed. (Please, nobody tell my dad what an RSS feed is...I can't deal with another migraine) 

Stay tuned for more. 

Daniel  

Coming attractions...and a few corrections

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Hello everyone. I thought I would give all a little preview of some of the stories I have coming up. But before I get into that, I feel a small correction is in order. I must admit, that having gotten caught in retelling my father's adventures, I may have forgotten to mention a few people. You see this particular omission pertains to my post on how my dad deals with conflict resolution, and moving mountains: this past Sunday, whilst watching the Super Bowl at my brother's house, a good friend of mine, Jules (who defines his line of work as waste management) came up to me and said "hey, nice blog. But where the hell am I in all this?!?!" It's true, it's my fault, because you see Jules is a pretty huge guy, and has an equally big heart. He is the kind of friend who has no problem dropping everything at a moment's notice to help you out...even if helping you involves moving forty tons of earth. And when I mentioned this accidental omission to my parents, they agreed, and my father even commented, "I actually like Jules more than you...he doesn't complain as much!" Thanks mom and dad, really feeling the love here. But it's true. I am sorry that I forgot to mention my good friend Jules. But I feel this is an appropriate introduction to that big old ox, as he will be a central character in a number of upcoming stories, involving my dad and unsolicited home renovations/demolitions. Those upcoming stories will also serve as the perfect backdrop to introduce another important person in my life, my good friend and sister-in-law, and how she deals with stress.


So I also promised you some upcoming attractions: next week's post will actually be the first in a series of many, entitled "Television Wars". You see this particular tale on my dad's crazy/visionary out of the box thinking (you'd be surprised how often those two go hand-in-hand...maybe my dad is right, and he is one of the great minds of our time...and maybe my mom is right, and he simply likes the sound of his own voice...time will tell I suppose) is spread out over many years and too long to tell in a single post. So sit down buckle up, and get ready for a ride on the crazy express. Trust me, I could not be making this stuff up.


Be sure to follow me on twitter @Daniel_Galve


Please leave feedback and commentary. My dad is very excited by the prospect of imparting his wisdom onto the world.


Stay tuned.


Daniel