Television Wars...Episode II...Escalation

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Hello readers. I hope you all enjoyed last week's post on my dad and dealing with the bank...it was a good laugh and definitely high up there in terms of crazy and ridiculous things my dad has done. Well, that brings me to the topic of this week's post, the continuation of Television Wars, and seeing just how nuts my parents can get when faced with a particularly prickly situation. So where did we leave off last time? Oh right, my parents thought they could get us to stop watching the Simpsons by running around the house changing the time on all the clocks. Well the solution was short-lived, and was about as effective in dealing with our television addiction as trying to plug a crack in a dyke with your finger...there were bigger issues to address here. My parents knew that they could not watch my brother and I every minute of the day, and the second they took their eyes off of us, we would be watching TV...doesn't really matter what was on...it could've been infomercials on exercise equipment (I've actually watched those as a kid) for all we cared...we just liked watching television. Seeing as the television wars were just starting to heat up, and my parents were dealing with an unconventional enemy that could not be reasoned with, they decided to fight fire with fire and escalate the level of crazy. Thus I give you "Television Wars...Episode II...Escalation". 

Before I go any further in this story, please rest assured that what you are about to read is 100% accurate and requires no embellishment (although most people think I am making this up upon first hearing it). So now that everybody has been sufficiently warned, and if you have read this far, you are probably wondering what on earth my dad could've thought up to escalate this little conflict: well, I will tell you. My dad actually reverse-engineered his problem to come up with a solution. Allow me to explain: 

Problem: an inability to keep children from turning on television 
Variables: television addicted children 
Desired outcome: keep children from watching too much television 

The problem in obtaining your desired outcome is that you cannot control the variables which are proving quite uncontrollable, in this case the children which you cannot stop from turning on the television. So, my dad being the unconventional thinker that he was, decided to rethink this little problem as follows: 

Problem: an inability to keep children from turning on television 
Variables: television being turned on 
Desired outcome: keep television from being turned on by children 

You see what he did? It’s subtle but effective. He thought that if he could not keep us from turning on the television, he would simply keep the television from being turned on. But you're probably thinking to yourself "Daniel that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. How would you do that?" How indeed?! And therein lies the genius of his ridiculous solution, and the bane of my childhood experience. My dad decided to build something that I would later describe as a medieval torture device (no, no, I'm just kidding...nobody was tortured, at least not physically...but I did hate that thing): I guess it can only be described as a locking box in which you would place the television's electrical plug, thus denying the television the ability to turn on, and more importantly keeping my brother and I from watching it. See, I know you don't believe me, so I've provided a little photographic proof, and believe me, this thing is all too real.  

Old "Snappy" getting ready for action

Snappy doing what he does best

Locked and loaded and ready to crush spirits!

Two pieces of scrap wood, two hinges, eight screws, two eye loop screws, one lock, and about an hour's worth of work were all it took to build this little monster and escalate the television wars to a whole new level of crazy. It's gone by many names over the years, but here are some of my favorites: 'Snappy', 'The box', 'The thing', 'The spirit crusher'...okay, I made that last one up, but that is what it felt like. It was a very defeating feeling to see that thing placed on the television plug and not be able to watch your 'good  friend'. My parents watched with glee as the balance of power shifted back in their favor and they regained the initiative. They watched us shake that thing for hours like a bunch of monkeys trying to open a coconut, trying to find some sort of weakness, a flaw that we could exploit, and thought to themselves, "check-mate and goodnight...this game is over...we just went nuclear!" Well, we were pretty defeated for a while, and for a moment there, it looked like my parents had won; but I'll tell you one thing, like our parents, my brother and I are not quitters, and when faced with this completely ridiculous and unconventional problem, we dug in our heels, put our heads together and decided to come up with solutions to get around this thing. Little did we know that this little act of escalation in the television wars was but the first chapter in an adventure that would span over a decade, and provide us with countless laughs and stories to tell, that in the end, it was probably more entertaining than anything that could have been on TV at the time.  

I've actually decided to keep the television box as a little souvenir but also as a source of inspiration:  sometimes the most insurmountable problems in life have the simplest and most ridiculous solutions. Besides, it makes for a really great conversation starter and people usually don't believe me until I show it to them.  

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Don't forget to also check out some of my past blog posts for more great stories on my dad's ridiculous adventures.  

Be sure to read look out for next week's post, "Television Wars...Episode III...The children strike back", as my brother and I set our minds to trying to break the puzzle of "The box" and best our parents.  

Stay tuned for more.   

Daniel