Hello readers. It's been a pretty
busy week for me: I've been trying to balance a number of school, work and
personal projects, all the while trying to find the time to write my blog
posts. Fortunately, my mom and dad are a constant source of inspiration and
I never really have to worry about what to write. This week's post is one that
promises to be particularly entertaining, as everyone who hears this story
thinks it is the most ridiculous/hilarious thing they have ever heard.
Considering this tale takes place over several years, and is too long to tell
in one sitting, I thought I would break it down into a series entitled
"Television Wars". So without
further ado, I give you "Television Wars...Episode I...First Blood is
drawn": so raise your seat backs, stow your folding tables, buckle your
seats belt, and get ready for a ride on the crazy express that has been my
childhood experience.
The inspiration for this little
trip down memory lane came to me last weekend as I was trying to sleep-in and
as my dad was trying to ruin my weekend: you see my dad has the very unpleasant
habit of calling me when I am half asleep, and then proceed to berate me
because I don't answer the phone properly (quite ironic when you consider he
did not even say hello and just proceeded to verbally abuse me). As I was
saying, the reason for this particular phone call was that he wanted me to
record a documentary for him on my PVR (personal video recorder) that coming
Sunday night. Well, being as quick witted as possible, given the lack of sleep
and absence of caffeine in my system, I managed to formulate the following
response, "why?". Naturally his response was just as clever,
"because I want to watch it genius!". Okay, now there is too much
going on for my brain to process, and I decide that I will not be getting back
to bed. I then proceed to tell my dad that he has a television at home, and
being semi-retired, he now has the freedom to watch television whenever he
wants. And that's when it hits me! I had my inspiration...the freedom to watch
television when you wanted (it will all make sense later). He then went on a
long-winded tirade about my education, and how my mom always undermines
him...to tell you the truth, I was not really listening, as I was busy taking
notes for this week's post on the epic television wars of my youth. You see,
some people say that conflict defines society: it demands technological development,
and requires thinkers to develop new tactics and strategies. Well I don't know
how useful armed conflict is to society, but I do know that this ridiculous
little conflict sure got out of hand quickly and taught my brother and I a
thing or two about how to overcome insurmountable obstacles in life.
So here's a little background
information about my brother and I: we love television...a lot! It doesn't
matter what's on TV, we just feel the need to watch it. It's not that we have
addictive personalities, it's just that we think television is the greatest
thing in the world. Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, we used to watch a lot of
television as kids: so much so that my mom and dad had to begin thinking of
ways to keep us from watching it. Well for every television-blocking effort my
parent enabled, my brother and I thought up of an effective counter-measure.
Thus begins the tale of Television Wars.
You see, simply telling us that
we could not watch television was not a suitable solution: we just wouldn’t
listen. Our favorite tactic was the lookout: we would take turns watching TV,
whilst the other served as lookout...crude, but effective. So, conventional
discipline really did not work with us, and I don't think my parents had the
patience to be watching a bunch of troublemaking children every second of every
day. They say that necessity is the mother of all innovation, and in this case,
my parents had a big need to keep us from watching television, and their
solution was quite innovative (parents take note here). It was the late 80's,
and my brother and I were absolutely addicted to watching the Simpsons (now
that I think about it, not the best thing to be watching at such a young
age...but anyways). My mom and dad hated the Simpsons...and when I say hate...I
mean really hate. They thought it was a terrible influence...and you know what?
It probably was. So as I was saying, just telling us that we could not watch,
was not sufficient, and so my parents would have to start thinking creatively
here. Remember how creative my dad got when it came to resolving a dispute withhis neighbor? Well that should serve as a little indicator of what came next on
the crazy scale.
Dad: We can't keep them from
watching the Simpsons...they won't listen.
Mom: So what do we do?
Dad: Well we can't take the show
off the air...and they always know when it's on.
Mom: What if we make sure they
never know when it's on?
Dad: How so?
Mom: You'll see.
What happened next is nothing
short of genius. My parents had the brilliant/stupidly simple idea (remember
the necessity to innovation relationship?) of running around the house changing
all the clocks, and making them an hour slow every week before the Simpsons.
Now because we knew the Simpsons were always on at eight o'clock, sure enough,
we would look at the kitchen clock and run over to the TV to watch our show.
The problem was that it was actually nine o'clock, and we had missed our show.
Not understanding why, we would look in the TV listings trying to figure it
out. My parents, looking quite satisfied with themselves, would just look at us
and say "Sorry, I guess they cancelled it". Yeah right! We didn't
believe that for a second, but we just couldn't understand what was happening,
or how they had managed to outsmart us. My dad would then try to attribute the
radical shifts in the duration of days to daylight-savings time which occurred
once a week, not twice a year. I guess it made sense to a six year old, but
something was still not right here.
Well my brother and I eventually
caught on to their little ploy when they accidentally missed one clock in the
house, and the whole time-paradox/daylight-savings time scheme fell apart. My
brother and I learnt a valuable lesson that day: we quickly learnt how to read
time on a standard clock, and we both made sure we always wore a watch.
Needless to say, the first shots in the television wars had been fired, a
conflict that would span ten years, and teach me skills as diverse as picking a
lock, using extremely large power tools, and concealing a television in a
closet. In this war of attrition that would pit parents against children, there
was no looking back, and surrender was not an option. First blood had been
drawn, and this thing was about to get out of hand...way out of hand...because
all my parents could do was escalate to some new ridiculous extreme, and all we
could do was respond in kind.
So, buckle up...it's about to get
all sorts of crazy around here as we move into the escalation phase of
Television Wars, and my parents go nuclear.
If you like to read my blog,
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Stay tuned for more.
Daniel
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